| About time for an update |
[Feb. 25th, 2004|12:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Here I am, procrastinating. Im so freakin busy. With 12 credits, work, internshiping, insurancing, life in general, it all sucks. I have so much stress that I'm not even dealing with right now, thats what the drugs do. Yah, and Im getting freakin fatter by the day. Ok, so Im not obese, but when ur fat clothes r gettin tight u know youre screwed. But heres the thing, Im on drugs that make me gain weight, crave sweets and be lethargic and not give a flying crap about it. Yah its great. So Im supposed to be goin to FL for springbreak. Daytona Beach. WHen I think of that I think of nasty Nascar chicks. I hope itll be fun. Not my ideal but what can u do when its free. The audi thing didn't work out, the guy decided to jack the price up 10k, crazy Germans. I might go back to Germany and do an internship, but a job at GCCCS is in teh works, but I probably won't end up doing either and will end up sittin on me ass. I miss my friends. Jamie came to visit. It was so nice. I wish I could be a friend and have friends. Alex is talkin about movin to FL next year. Her family has a house on an island outside Ft Myers. That sounds so awesome. I could move and work there and have a good friend around to talk with and hang out with. Its what Ive been praying for. IT all rides on whether shell do it or not though, and wants me for a roomie. We'll be away from our males of choice so thatll be tough too. But the sunshine will have me feelin so good and I'll swim everyday and it'll be wonderful. So for those that are reading- thats something to pray about. I really want to get involved in a church so if I move there theres an oppurtunity. If I do move, Ill need to get a new car. As much as I love Samantha, she aint for drivin on an island among the esteemed. Maybe theyll pity me and give me a car. Ha. I gotta run. Laundry is done.
Until next time... |
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| Buying an Audi |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|12:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lethargic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anything my cd player will play without skipping | ] |
Yah, so Im enthralled by Ebay. I just bid on an AUDI TT. Yah, they are those sweet lil sport cars that you see around. Well, I just bid on a 2000 Quattro, Silver, with blue leather interior. I dont have $ to buy a car. But yet, bidding on it gave me some hope. If I can get this car for under 10k (very doubtful) its a done deal. Ill sell my geo tomorrow! As much as I love my lil car, an audi is the way to go. Not only the way to go- the way to go in style. And then Ill go home to my cardboard box at the edge of some cornfield and eat green beans from a can. Alas, I need a job. I found a job working as a vet secretary today. I would sooooooooooo love that. But they want someone permanent, and Im about as temporary as they come. I hate growing up. I want to travel not settle. I just want someone to travel with me. Now dont get me wrong, Im not talkin about gettin hitched. I just want a friend to travel with me all around. A best friend. Jesse is the closest thing I got to that right now, but hes the boyfriend. So red flags go up everywhere. Take spring break. We both have round trip tickets anywhere in teh US. I have no intentions of doing anything immoral on break. Now immoral is my motives between me and God. If you think its bad to kiss or cuddle or whatever than Im immoral. Heathen that I am. Anyhow, so we should go someplace warm right? HELLZ YEAH. Now Id love it if some friends could come, but I have friends that are either too poor, have other commitments, aren't close enough, or just flat out aint dependable to shit on time. So alas, theres no one to go. Jesse wnats to invite one of his friends. Yah, the guy is a female hater, and doesnt know me, so itd be like him and Jesse the whole time with me a tag alone. I dont think so. I woudl just up and go by myself but I have this fear enstilled in me by my mother of being raped and pillaged. SO Jesses all worried about how itll look and what not. Oh FYI- I want to stay in hostels= cheap housing. Many people. Aint no shackin up gonna happen with a 8 other people in a room with u. SO whatever. These are my dilemmas of the day. My gerbils r still fighting. I wish I could yell at them and theyd understand me. I need a pet with some remote since of intelligence!
Hey Kristen Townsend if you're reading this. Kristin is my Boss on Tuesdays at work. Shes such a splendid person, we have fun intimate chats. Kristin is an interesting one though. WHen she sees u she looks at u like shes looking into your soul. But then she comes out with an encouraging comment and its always nice. Nice people are good. People at work are nice. What happens to the world when I venture out of the office? Madness. I need to go to bed. I have an appt. with the head dr. tomorrow. Woohoo. Find out more why my thinking is warped. Its all genetics. I got screwed in the gene pool.
Until next time my life gets boring enough to write... |
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| HAHA-SOILED AGAIN |
[Jan. 30th, 2004|04:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Im at work right now. Aren't I the sneaky one. Today is going alright. THe lack of motivation is always a driving force. Theres a big basketball game tonite. I really want to go and support Paul and Stephen and what not BUT, the idea of an empty house sounds so nice. I can curl up and watch a movie and watch my gerbil roll around as I eat lots and lots of popcorn! Muah haha. So well see. Im sure that boredom will take over if I do that though. At least I got alot of work done last nite. Not nearly enough, but hey, its a start!=) I talked to a lawyer about being a lawyer. I think it sounds swell. He said its in essence listening to people and solving their problems for money. Interesting. I could go for that. Despite my debate fiasco, the prospect of law school is sounding better and better. The loans aren't... but thats life. I just know that I do not want to be a civil litigator. And I also know that parli judges are not qualified to be judging 80% of the time. Pisses me off. Hardcore. Makes me want to quit debate or throw a fit. One of the 2. Im going to go work now. Work at work. What a thought. Peace out mucka fudda. uh. |
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| suckerpunch |
[Jan. 29th, 2004|05:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I hate everything about you (again) | ] |
So my interest in work was low today. As is my interest in life. Its snowing here. The roads r supposed to be getting "bad", but these crazy ohio people think that bad is when the snow sticks to the ground. I wish I had something to entertain myself. I think teh Harkleroads may kick me out because I live by the tv. Jesse emailed me last nite. Isnt that exciting. It was a very disjointed email. Wasnt quite sure what the purpose of it was. I think it was to let me know he feels bad that he doesnt care enough. Something along those lines. Odd. Tonite Im going to attack my holocaust class and try to read the book that has a vocabulary beyond that of the doctorate level and is hard to decipher, let alone try to read, analyse and be able to write a 5 page paper on it. Thats my nite. Im going to get out of this house to go read, add a lil spice to my life. I wish I could rent a male to beat the crap out of. Oh wow, that reminds me of the dream I had last nite. I dont quite remember the whole thing, it was long and vivid at the time. But what I do know is that Jesse married someone else all rush and weirdlike but wished he hadnt but had to live with it. There was more but thats all Ill say. Weird. The snow is flurrying. I should get to school. Blah. Ill write more later. Heres a lil poem just becuz-
Im suffering through life quite nicely
Its probably because I am rather feisty
And jumble my thoughts and words and deeds
Until whatever happiness I have I impede. |
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| I love my blog |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|10:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | east west | ] |
The darn thing is addicting. I mean seriously, no one reads it. And I get to get the crap outta my head that has no other way to exit because I have minimal human contact. I seriously dont know how hermits do it. Actually, they have dogs. And actually, I do much better when Im away from humans. But being around them on shallow terms is driving me to drink. I need a therapy dog. Seriously. And I want that therapy dog to eat my gerbil. Shes a poor excuse for a pet. THe only affection I get from her is when she crawls up my pantleg to the knee and starts scratching to lengthen her tunnel. Yah so thats my leg. And my darn thighs are too big, and my jeans r hiphuggers so it just dont work out. I just want the darn thing to learn to eat out of my hand. But no she doesnt want sunflower seeds anymore. When u lose your only bribing tool- give up. Seriously. If I had a cat as a pet here, Id feed my gerbil to her. Of course I couldnt watch. But its all the same. So I talked to my friend Donna tonite. Such a splendid friend. I wish she lived closer. Shes someone I know I can depend on to give a crap. Cant say that for many people. I talked to my mom too. Of course the convo consisted of nothing deep or fascinating except for the fact that u can volunteer to be on the jury and get paid $40 a day. If I need a short term job, I may just have to do that. ANYHOW. So yah, she doesnt know the fiasco that is my life. She thinks things r fabtabulous here or some such nonsense. The debate in my head now is when to go home. Tomorrow sounds great to me, but with drs and drugs and jobs and internships and food and directtv, all the things that dont matter in life but are all that I got, Im not sure what to do.
So Im talking with fun human friends online. If only they werent so far away. But not on my life would I wish them here in this dismal town with me.
I should write poetry on here. I miss doin that. I swear I have the art of a poet, either that of a prose writer, one of the 2! Ok, Im closing. Im sick of my life for tonite. Im off to my animated dreamland. |
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| Busyness is underrated |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|06:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hold On- Good Charlotte | ] |
I wish I had things that would occupy my life and keep my mind busy and off of things. I find that Im happiest that way. And its not like theres not things for me to do. But everything that I have to do will allow my mind to wander, so I might as well watch tv and pass my life away and try to outlive my misery. Its so funny. I sound so dark writing on here, but no one knows me as that. Im the upbeat, fast talking, smiley girl. Ha. Some of u who know me well know that. But Im surrounded by people who dont know me at all. So I went to a shrink today. I think perhaps the most effective one Ive been to. Interesting. Anyhow- she helped me see some things about myself. Growing up in a crazy world, raised by crazy people make one crazy. But my genes do not confine me. Its interesting. When Im alone and have time to think is when Im at my best and worst. My optimism soars when I think of the future as my mind eye would like to see it. But it comes crashing down when I see where I am at right now, and where Ive out myself. The things I have done were stupid choices, the things I havent done seem a wall too high to climb or jump. And when I jump I only see a glimpse of greener grass. I keep telling myself I need to thankful and believe me I am. I have so many blessings in my life. But when u feel like you're sitting in a pile of your own shit in a blessed world, its sketchy. So anyhow, I envy Jesse. He at least has classes to go to, basketball games to tape, a roommate and friends to hang out with, work that will take up lots of time with the play opening, a family that is coming to entertain, and it makes the initial time a little easier. Its all uphill from there. Me, my only hope is returning home to an unknown forsaken fate. Its aloneness either way. At least there is satellite tv here. At home there is a cat that will actually be glad to see me. I havent seen anything glad to see me in a long time. Anyhow, I guess Im wondering whats going on. With Jesse. Because if u havent noticed from my metaphoric ramblings, were over. And its really weird. He didnt seem to care. He didnt see our relationship as worth fighting for. He didn't value me as highly as I thought. I thot the boy wanted to marry me. It turns out that "who he is" doesn't care or make an effort. What I find outrageously amazing is that he didnt even try to fix it, he was like ok- but lets still be friends. Must been a breakup has been in his mind too. Hes just too laid back to do anything about it, ok to do anything at all. And its not like weve been more than friends for a long time. I get no kisses, no hugs, no verbal affirmation, no gifts, no poems, no dates, except a dutch trip to the movie theater of which I must suggest and initiate. So basically I guess Ive been single for a while. And I know that him and I were just dating. I could have gone out with a guy whenever I wanted to, and my reasoning for keeping it that way was so that there would be no expectations. But they developed in time with the frequency of his presence, and that was my own error. I tried so hard to guard my heart, but it was really leaking out slowly from the bottom. So this was my error. Im not sure where the error is though, for letting this start, for letting it go as far as it did, for wanting the boy I love to be the guy of my dreams, everything on my wish list, and the man I marry. 2 down. I guess 3rd strike and Im out. I hate guys. I guess that has never really died in me. At least I was a little harder, a lil more prepared for it this time. And what I really cant believe is his response. Hes saying he cares, and Im like if u dont care enough to fix this then I dont want to talk to u ever again. And he got out of my car and walked into the nite. He didnt care enough. I think he thinks that I dont like who he is. And that was the farthest from the truth. It was the traits that were being exhibited or withdrawn that my quandary was with. Anyhow, I dont want someone who will walk out into the nite. I want someone who will care enough. Only God I guess. I guess that being an old maid is getting to be more and more appealing. Ah screw it. Im writing too much thinking too much and revealing too much of my inner self. Its not coming out right, and any poor souls that may be reading this must be confused and getting a eschewed view of me.
So Ill close. Thanx for the false hope "sunshine." ha |
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| what ive realized |
[Jan. 27th, 2004|10:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | listless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 3 days grace - I hate everything about you | ] |
In life a male's perspective is to conquer and destroy. We are just another ploy along the way. Once they have conquered our heart, they destroy our lives by tearing themselves from us. Yet it was us. Its always us. If they are our heart, and it was ripped out, it was for this reason- the beat was malfunctioning, it didn't speed up at excitement, or slow down at a calm moment. No it was oblivious. So- we get the paddles out and try to use an electric shock to bring it back to life. At that point the males rip our heart out and leave. If our heart is expected to actually do more than exist- thats too much. Males suck. They always fool you in the beginning and let their true colors show later. Well, at least I'm getting fatter now, only skinny chicks have to worry about guys and deal with that crap. Anyhow, this has been my day, pondering males. Theyre so skiddish. So stupid. They say they care, but do they care ENOUGH??? Thats the question being posed today. Caring enough takes conscious thought and effort. Those 2 words aren't in a males vocabulary unless its short term under the conquer and destroy method.
So enough of my metaphoric thinking. Today was a day. I worked. I feel like I know the alphabet better than ever after alphabetizing thousands of pages. Alex came over with Jess Joseph. I think it was to cheer me up. But the problem is- I only need cheering up when alone. And Im alone alot. I need to keep busy, but am too depressed to do that. Oh the vicious cycle that ensues... At least tomorrow I go to see my new head dr., I get to talk about the body soil that is my life. Have u seen that clorox commercial. Well that gunk on the bed is what I feel like. So Im sorry to start my blog at such a bad time. Im not always liek this. Maybe Im bipolar. Maybe Im bisexual- KIDDING! No freakin way. This is why I am doomed. I love boys, boys ruin your life, therefore I love to have my life ruined. Its been twice now. And its like- should I recant as in times before? But u know what- if u dont care enough to look at your heart before ripping it from my chest, and at least ponder over its works and contents- then screw u. Take your damn heart and leave me the hell alone. I'd rather be alone than have the void space filled with something that is there and void of content. So with this I close. I find that in hard times its good to rest in the Shadow of HIS wings, he'll never let me down. But I havent looked to him in so long, and Im wallowing in sheets without clorox, its hard to know what to do. Keep on existing, until..... |
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| #1 |
[Jan. 27th, 2004|01:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
Ok so its 1 am and Im here. I took quite a few drugs so Im surprised Im not passed out on the floor. Actually that is sounding tempting. Ok, so Im stuck in Ohio. I really hate males. Im fairly sure I must have some psychological disease. Its like I have to be discontent. This whole thing has been brewing anyhow. I came to Ohio because of a boy, and now Im stuck here because of one. Freakin lovely. Its my own fault. Proverbs wasnt lying when they said guard your heart. And I thought I was. ha. So ok, I should write coherently in case someone ever wants to read this. So yah, Jesse and I ended it tonite. It was very weird. I overreacted and he underreacted. I mean overall, that is typical, but he didn't even care. He was just like im sorry but i cant do anything. He sounds like a puppet of Johnny. Hes like I care I care, but u know what- the key here is not enough. Thats been a reoccuring theme in life. Everyone cares, just no one cares enough. My mom admitted to it, Johnny, those r the 2 people that I actually have cared alot about in life. Now Jesse- ha. Uh, life is pathetic. I often wonder why God has put me here. I had such high hopes in my youth. Now my health, my spiritual outlook, my environment, my idealism, its all gone. And I have nothing left, but 13k in debt and a ledge that will take me into life alone. I wish I could at least have a dog. Im pretty sure thats all the hope i have for companionship in life. Dogs are forgiving, and when they hurt u they r always sorry. They are always happy to see u, and u can bribe them with food. I couldnt even do that with Jesse. Poor emaciated lad. With him it was like he needed to add a lil muscle and I needed to lose a lil flab. So Im like lets work out together. Ha, that lasted like 2 weeks. I can go work out sure, but its not for him. So I can be the fat unatrractive one, its my fault. So indirectly its my fault that he doesnt want to hold my hand or put his arm around me. Im becomin a fat ass. But hey u know what- Im an emotional eater, Im on drugs that make me fat, and Im depressed as all get out. I mean- my life is pathetic. I have nothing to live for here, or anywhere. So I usually go to sleep when I get like this. But u know what, with no one to listen but myself, and those that are pathetic and bored enough to read this, I figure I might as well ramble on. I dont pray nearly enough anymore, I used to write out my prayers and that helped so much. Now, ha I got this journal. I keep telling myself that someday Ill go back to God. I just want to wait til I get out of here. I think of Paul and how he says we should be content in all situations. I try so hard. But when people dont care if u r around or not, and dont even greet u on arrival or recognize u as u depart, with no friends, no hobbies, no pets but a gerbil that likes to run away, and u r in a place where u just cant be yourself- u die inside. And thats no excuse I realize, but Im miserable. Im lonely all the time, no one listens. No one cares. So many people are fake. People who show a glimpse of caring are inconsistent. It fades. People suck. me included. Im going to go lie in my bed and wait for sleep to come. The medication makes it come quicker. It leaves less room for my thoughts to wander down dark roads. I swear Im living in a zoloft commercial, only thing is Im on it, and Im still the same. Maybe Im bi-polar. I saw on dogs with jobs today that there are dogs that help peopel with psychiatric problems. When people stress out the dog helps calm them down. They are actual working dogs. They allow people to have a life. I gotta look into that. Im gonna do that now. Itll save someone for reading this any longer. cheers- if only there was liquor- |
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